What they don't understand
by Lost Lantean
Summary: None of my friends understand what's it like for me. I know they think I'm choosing a computer program over them. I suppose in a way I am...


**Diary of Jeremy Belpois - Entry undated.**

None of my friends understand what's it like for me.

I watch them outside playing without a care in the world. Games and laughter without so much as a thought of what we face. They don't care that lurking beneath an abandoned factory nearby and in other supercomputer centers around the world is a monster that wants nothing more than the destruction of the human race. XANA is capable of attacking at any time, with anything and with barely any warning. XANA could finish us off in a mere heartbeat if the program bothered to read even a single military training manual. I don't know if it's something they don't realize or simply don't want to face.

They invite me outside and move off disappointed and disgusted when I put up a brave face and say I have to work. I know they think I'm choosing a computer program over them. I suppose in a way I am, though it hurts worse than I can ever let anyone see. The supercomputer is an amazing challenge, a puzzle that's addicting in its own right and that helps me cope. But the life I see them living without and because of me is every bit as attractive to me as the mysteries of XANA and Lyoko. It's something I desperately want for myself but know I can't have yet. Not while XANA exists, anyway. It's my responsibility to see that Aelita is provided for, that my friends are kept safe, and that XANA is destroyed.

None of them appreciate what it's like to live with all of that responsibility. They haven't woken up only to wonder if the few hours of sleep they got are going to mean the end of the world. Yumi, Ulrich and Odd don't worry about how the supercomputer works. They don't consider that any delay in getting Aelita to a tower could turn deadly. They don't worry that any of the thousand documents I forged or any of the databases I hacked to make a place in this world for Aelita could be discovered as being faked. They don't even have to worry about how Aelita is provided for. Nope, her tuition and wireless bills get paid on-time every time, there's a bank account for her to buy clothes and other things with, there's even a savings account for higher education. All curtsey of the hours I put into making her identity.

They don't realize that I wasn't born knowing everything about the supercomputer. Thye don't understand that without time to study and work I couldn't do anything. Did XANA switch your body with someone else... Jeremy will fix it. Did XANA scramble your brain so that you can't tell Lyoko from the real world? Yeah no problem for our resident genius. What! The Scanners aren't working - sure Jeremy can fix that before we get devirtualized and die. After all he just instantly knows how to do everything and it all comes so easily to him. NO! I HAVE TO WORK AND STUDY TO GAIN THIS UNDERSTANDING. Not that anyone seems to care.

I re-read those two paragraphs and consider how bitter it sounds but I can't re-write it any better, nor do I want to. It is the truth, one that they'll never have to see. Because another truth is simple, I'm glad Aelita doesn't feel burdened by all of this. It wasn't her fault that XANA was created, nor was it Yumi's, Ulrich's, or Odd's. But me, I'm different because it is my fault that XANA is free to follow it's malicious directives. It was me that convinced my four new friends to help me rescue Aelita. My selfish decision was to risk the lives of every person on this planet to have someone to talk to, someone to love.

So it's up to me face this threat. It falls to me to protect everyone on the planet from the menace I selfishly unleashed. I know the logical thing to do when I found out about XANA was to shut the computer off before it got to this point. I know the logical thing to do would be to tell the authorities about Lyoko and Aelita the moment XANA escaped. But as much as the others think I am, I'm not a robot. I have feelings, strong ones. Feelings that won't let me give up on Aelita or the rest of my friends. I have to fight every second of every day for those I love, those I care about, even those I'll never know. It doesn't matter how badly it hurts me so long as they are safe from the consequences of my actions. I'll gladly lose everything that I have to save this world, to give Aelita her father back and allow her to live free of XANA's influence. I just wish someone besides me understood what that does to me.

The rest of my friends will fight for her... As long as they don't have to do any actual work in the process. They'll show her the life I promised while she was in Lyoko and that I'm failing to deliver as I push myself to free her. I know that sooner or later she'll get tired of dragging me away from the constant stress of my work. Eventually she'll decide that I'm not worth the heartache I cause her in my struggle to free her. I hate myself to know how I hurt her. I hate myself for not being able to meet her expectations. But I can live with seeing her happy with someone else, or rather I can pretend to until she forgets about me, then I can die quietly, alone and heartbroken. I can't live with what would happen if I don't give this everything. The saddest thing is, not even Odd would be able to handle his conscience if one of the group died or an innocent life was lost even though he probably gives that the least amount of thought.

But there are worse nightmares out there. I'm the leader and I wonder if I'll ever have to choose who lives and who dies. Will I someday have to look into Yumi's eyes and tell her to do something I know will be fatal? Forget Ulrich and what'd do to me, how would I ever look into a mirror knowing that I sentenced one of my best friends to death. The other side of the coin is just as bad. Could I look at Yumi, could she even look at herself, knowing the price of her life was the life of an innocent bystander? Would I freeze at the prospect and lose everyone because I couldn't sacrifice one?

I know what it's like to confront death. Everyone in the group has at some point during this battle. The rest can afford not to think about it, how can I? They can rest easy knowing that I'm doing everything in my power to give them the best chance of winning this fight and being healthy enough to enjoy the victory. I know they want the same for me but... Life just doesn't work out that way sometimes. We can't all sit around and do nothing and hope for victory, it has to be earned - the price paid in blood and sweat and tears. I willingly pay that price for all of my friends, sometimes though, I just wish they would appreciate it a little more.

[[[]]]

A/N: I'm not sure what made me write this up, probably accidently reading part of a story that featured Jeremy as the bad guy. I imagine that this would be a journal entry that Jeremy would keep very private.

CW: I looked over Ascension and like where its headed. Though I have a feeling I'm going to regret the grapefruit prank. I assume that means we may not be talking to each other for a while. After I find out what you're up to I'll have to plan out some sort of revenge though. Or find a way to offer a truce.


End file.
